Today’s I Write Out Loud podcast was equal parts literary discussion and courtroom drama—and you all showed up ready to deliberate.
The essay on the docket was “Dating the Test and Apologize Type,” originally published in October 2024, which I’ve been revisiting because it turned out to be an origin story I didn’t know I was writing. The man at the center eventually became someone I dated for real. That context made it impossible for me to be impartial.
So I crowdsourced the jury to all of you.
The question before the court: Should I have blocked to burn the moment he texted me that song after our first coffee date?
(Aside: if you haven’t heard “Girls” by The Dare, consider listening first as the lyrics are spicy!)
The bigger question underneath all of it—the one I really wanted to think through with you all—is where hypervigilance ends and due diligence begins. The Burned Haystack Dating method is brilliant. But any framework applied with absolute rigidity can become its own kind of trap.
The jury came in close: “Give him a chance” narrowly beat out “Block to Burn,” by a 60/40 split. Which is honestly exactly how I feel about it, with the wisdom of hindsight.
You can read the essay here:
Dating the “Test and Apologize” Type
{I’ll be hosting a live on Wednesday, April 1 at 7pm ET to discuss this essay. Come hang out—it’s always a good conversation. It’ll also be part of this week’s Sunday Salon, a more intimate gathering where we go deeper into the stories behind the stories. That one’s for
Thank you Stuart Cohen, Lynn, ilibee, Jason Gael, Luca, and many others for tuning in, and thanks to Pam Wade and Ms.Yuse for hopping on at the end to help me troubleshoot my audio. A big huzzah to Jason Gael for coming up with the right solution to fix my headset (yay!).
Special thanks to my Founding Members: Pietra Shirley, Suzanne Whitaker, Karen Marie Shelton, Mason/She/Her🩷💜💙, Alan Wiley, Craig Weissman, and Shālah B Pookie. You’re the very best and I’m so grateful for your support.
Thanks for listening.
I’m Dana DuBois, an essayist and GenX word nerd living in the Pacific Northwest — and founder of I Write Out Loud and co-host of The Daily Whatever Show.
Through memoir writing, audio storytelling, and community spaces, I explore the larger cultural forces shaping relationships, feminism, parenting, media, modern dating, and life in mid-flight.
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