I raised my girls to respect elders, but at the same time if an elder made them uncomfortable in any way, they could step away and I would support them immediately. No kisses, no hugs, no pats on the head without their permission. Empower them to always listen to their "intuition" and to say no forcefully but respectfully and no "secrets" from Mum- if asked to do so consider the request as danger.
In the early 80’s I was taken by my parents to visit my grandfather in memory care. Because he passed when I was young, these are some of the few memories I have of him. Not pleasant, but also not traumatic. Almost 50 years later, I guess it’s better to have some unpleasant memories rather than none at all.
Dressing for the weather is nothing to be ashamed of, it was survival. You have given your daughters a better chance. Without relatively small moments of discomfort like that visit, can they really understand what is at stake?
Sounds like the kind of family fun similar to mine; my dad felt quite happy to remark on the physical appearance of myself and my sister, however cruel or impossibly vulgar. Trumpian in nature. Nothing off limits
You and your eldest possess more patience than I believe I could manage, placed in similar circumstances. That can be both strength and burden, which makes it all the more admirable.
I just stumbled on this tonight - thanks for sharing this experience and the push and pull of how we GenXers were raised to endure. I've really been thinking about my own childhood and the times I was very clearly steered away from sticking up for myself because it wasn't 'appropriate behavior.' All complex territory and you explore the nuances well.
Thanks so much. It's a large part of why I write. It's the only way I can make sense of it all--what I inherited, what my kids and others are trying to teach me. I'm so glad you stumbled here! I'm subscribed to you as well because your book titles sound fascinating, so yay--let's be Substack pals!
I think that the best we can do is wrestle with some of these issues and then come to some level of peace and if need be, wrestle again and peace again.
Impeccable writing packed so full of vulnerability and life lessons. Thank you so much for sharing! I have always been touched deeply by the wisdom that I have learned through my daughter's eyes and heart. ❤️
Hi Dana. I truly appreciate this article. I admire how you raised your daughters. As a member of the boomer generation, girls were taught not to make waves at all. You have so much more awareness than I ever had. My dad went over that line so many times. I was confused and upset. But I ever say anything? Nope. I just figured it was somehow my fault. Did I teach my daughters better. I thought I had but I didn't do a very good job. My youngest was molested by a family "friend". She's 40 now and still bares the trauma of that. I'm so glad that the younger generations are growing up with so much more awareness than I had. You're doing a great job and I'm sure your girls appreciate how well you've taught them.
Donna--as always, thank you. I always value reading your insights. I'm so sorry to hear about your youngest. Wishing everyone a sense of peace as we find our ways forward.
So deeply, Dana. I truly understand that you want, and perhaps, need your beautiful girls to respect their grandfather. But, sometimes, as I have done with my own Pop, who is no longer here, it's so important to respect the inner voices of your beautiful daughters. Especially your eldest. They have you, and their Dad, to look to for love and integrity. Whatever you choose going forward, I trust and believe that you will make choices that matter. Not just for the girls...but for you. Much love.🫶
Complicated stuff. As an elder millennial I’ve reckoned with similar circumstances (and a key difference or two). I know you’re not asking for advice, but the book Safe People change my life and my children’s lives after I was permanently disabled by what I believe are the natural consequences of, as you put it, “managing the weather“ for far too long. Things clicked for me, as I was given permission to love people in my life differently, who are not safe; and helped me see that people who may be safe for me (or safe enough for me to have certain types of contact with)…may not be safe for my children in the same ways, or at all. Thanks for your vulnerability 💜
The conflict here is palpable, Dana. We feel obligated to meet with our family, but for whom? For the parent/grandparent to have memories of their children and grandchildren? For our kids to know and have memories our parents? Or for US to not have guilt for not doing the aforementioned visits? It’s even more difficult in your case. I mean, it’s clear that your dad won’t have too many memories of your daughters, and the memories your daughters have of him may or may not be pleasant. Sigh. 🫂
I raised my girls to respect elders, but at the same time if an elder made them uncomfortable in any way, they could step away and I would support them immediately. No kisses, no hugs, no pats on the head without their permission. Empower them to always listen to their "intuition" and to say no forcefully but respectfully and no "secrets" from Mum- if asked to do so consider the request as danger.
In the early 80’s I was taken by my parents to visit my grandfather in memory care. Because he passed when I was young, these are some of the few memories I have of him. Not pleasant, but also not traumatic. Almost 50 years later, I guess it’s better to have some unpleasant memories rather than none at all.
That's so true. That's about what I remember of my dad's dad as well. Perhaps that's why I've insisted they show up.
Dressing for the weather is nothing to be ashamed of, it was survival. You have given your daughters a better chance. Without relatively small moments of discomfort like that visit, can they really understand what is at stake?
That's excellent perspective, Gigi--thank you!
Sounds like the kind of family fun similar to mine; my dad felt quite happy to remark on the physical appearance of myself and my sister, however cruel or impossibly vulgar. Trumpian in nature. Nothing off limits
Yep--that's about right. It's heartbreaking how familiar this is for so many.
You and your eldest possess more patience than I believe I could manage, placed in similar circumstances. That can be both strength and burden, which makes it all the more admirable.
Thanks so much, Oðrun--you're not wrong about both the strength and the burden aspects...
I just stumbled on this tonight - thanks for sharing this experience and the push and pull of how we GenXers were raised to endure. I've really been thinking about my own childhood and the times I was very clearly steered away from sticking up for myself because it wasn't 'appropriate behavior.' All complex territory and you explore the nuances well.
Thanks so much. It's a large part of why I write. It's the only way I can make sense of it all--what I inherited, what my kids and others are trying to teach me. I'm so glad you stumbled here! I'm subscribed to you as well because your book titles sound fascinating, so yay--let's be Substack pals!
Yeah, come on by THE MAD OPHELIAS. I am processing things lol.
I think that the best we can do is wrestle with some of these issues and then come to some level of peace and if need be, wrestle again and peace again.
Impeccable writing packed so full of vulnerability and life lessons. Thank you so much for sharing! I have always been touched deeply by the wisdom that I have learned through my daughter's eyes and heart. ❤️
Thanks so much, Monica. I feel the same way...
Hi Dana. I truly appreciate this article. I admire how you raised your daughters. As a member of the boomer generation, girls were taught not to make waves at all. You have so much more awareness than I ever had. My dad went over that line so many times. I was confused and upset. But I ever say anything? Nope. I just figured it was somehow my fault. Did I teach my daughters better. I thought I had but I didn't do a very good job. My youngest was molested by a family "friend". She's 40 now and still bares the trauma of that. I'm so glad that the younger generations are growing up with so much more awareness than I had. You're doing a great job and I'm sure your girls appreciate how well you've taught them.
Donna--as always, thank you. I always value reading your insights. I'm so sorry to hear about your youngest. Wishing everyone a sense of peace as we find our ways forward.
It was the weather; you dressed for it…perfect sentence. That was my childhood. Thank you for sharing this story.
So deeply, Dana. I truly understand that you want, and perhaps, need your beautiful girls to respect their grandfather. But, sometimes, as I have done with my own Pop, who is no longer here, it's so important to respect the inner voices of your beautiful daughters. Especially your eldest. They have you, and their Dad, to look to for love and integrity. Whatever you choose going forward, I trust and believe that you will make choices that matter. Not just for the girls...but for you. Much love.🫶
I love this comment, and am so grateful you joined me live to talk about it--thanks so much, Laura! I appreciate you.
Complicated stuff. As an elder millennial I’ve reckoned with similar circumstances (and a key difference or two). I know you’re not asking for advice, but the book Safe People change my life and my children’s lives after I was permanently disabled by what I believe are the natural consequences of, as you put it, “managing the weather“ for far too long. Things clicked for me, as I was given permission to love people in my life differently, who are not safe; and helped me see that people who may be safe for me (or safe enough for me to have certain types of contact with)…may not be safe for my children in the same ways, or at all. Thanks for your vulnerability 💜
Oh Cheryl, I'm so sorry to hear this, but so grateful you shared your story here. I'm not familiar with that book but will check it out.
Great story, Dana! I really enjoyed reading this piece this morning.
Thanks so much, Mikey!
The conflict here is palpable, Dana. We feel obligated to meet with our family, but for whom? For the parent/grandparent to have memories of their children and grandchildren? For our kids to know and have memories our parents? Or for US to not have guilt for not doing the aforementioned visits? It’s even more difficult in your case. I mean, it’s clear that your dad won’t have too many memories of your daughters, and the memories your daughters have of him may or may not be pleasant. Sigh. 🫂