Today I went live on I Write Out Loud to talk about my new essay, and you all showed up and made it a real conversation.
The essay started from something I kept seeing everywhere: why does “avoidant attachment” sound brooding and complex while “anxious attachment” sounds like a personal failing? I argued those two diagnoses travel as a matched set for a reason, and it’s not flattering to the men involved. When someone creates instability, calls himself guarded, and disappears without explanation, the anxiety his partner feels is information—not a disorder.
We also got into a term I’m officially putting into circulation: commitbombing.
Deleting the apps before you’ve earned trust. Declaring exclusivity before a relationship exists. Producing an STI test like a hall pass. It’s the performance of readiness without the interior work—and I’ll admit on the record that it is my specific kryptonite.
The chat was extraordinary. I’m already pulling from the transcript for the follow-up essay, which will go deeper on commitbombing, including my theory that it’s a midlife phenomenon, practiced by men who’ve been in long-term relationships before and know exactly how to perform them convincingly.
You can read the essay here:
Thank you You Ready Grandma, Dr. Mary M. Marshall, cmdr cool, Heather, Ginger, and many others for tuning in. What an incredible conversation.
Special thanks to my Founding Members: Pietra Shirley, Suzanne Whitaker, Karen Marie Shelton, Mason/She/Her🩷💜💙, Alan Wiley, Craig Weissman, and Shālah B Pookie. You’re the very best and I’m so grateful for your support.
Thanks for listening.
I’m Dana DuBois, an essayist and GenX word nerd living in the Pacific Northwest — and founder of I Write Out Loud and co-host of The Daily Whatever Show.
Through memoir writing, audio storytelling, and community spaces, I explore the larger cultural forces shaping relationships, feminism, parenting, media, modern dating, and life in mid-flight.
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