the ser versus estar distinction is the sharpest reframe i have read on attachment in a long time. the difference between anxiety as identity and anxiety as response to a specific situation changes everything about how women process their own reactions. because the current attachment discourse has created a trap - women feel anxiety around avoidant men and then pathologize themselves for having the correct response to inconsistency. the mechanism is almost gaslighting at a cultural level. the person creating the instability gets diagnosed as a type while the person reacting to it gets told to regulate better. commitbombing is the perfect word for this because it captures the performance element - the early flood of attention that mimics commitment without any of the structural follow-through. what makes this especially cruel is your point about secure women feeling it hardest. the healthier your baseline the more disorienting the contradiction - because your own system keeps telling you something is wrong and the entire culture keeps telling you the problem is you.
Well spoken Dana, sure opens up my mind as to how/if I’ve fit that place within my past married life, and considering I don’t know what side of the gender fence I might belong on, it’s just another point of self-discussion/learning… lots of learning to do in my remaining time here on this seemingly darkening marble… appreciate the presence you are here on SS, wish I could contribute, maybe when I get myself together 🙄
Thanks so much Rick. And you are contributing—you’re reading and commenting on my work, and thanks amazing. I so appreciate it. If you’d be willing to restack it with a comment, that super helps get the word out. Thank you! 💜
You are not anxiously attached. You have learned to detect instability. When someone says one thing and does another, your nervous system is doing exactly what it should: registering that the ground keeps shifting. Inconsistency trains vigilance. That is not pathology. That is pattern recognition working as it should. Women are expected (TRAINED‽‽) to ignore these patterns.
The commitbomb hands you certainty before it has been earned. When it collapses, of course you feel destabilized. You were given something that looked like solid ground, then it moved.
Your discomfort is information. It means the signal keeps changing. His behavior
has high variance. You are simply noticing what is actually happening, and calling it what it is - shaky as fuck.
Estar, not ser. The situation is unstable. You are not.
“I also know what I bring to the table. I’m funny and smart and emotionally present, and I will make your life genuinely better and more interesting. So when I meet a man I’m excited about and he seems to recognize all of that quickly, I’m not surprised.
I think: of course he does.
The problem isn’t that I lead with my whole self. The problem is that certain men have learned to mimic that energy without having it — to perform the certainty, the readiness, the all-in-ness — because women like me respond to it.
That’s not naivety. That’s the cost of being someone who doesn’t hedge, who doesn’t play it cool, who believes love should announce itself.”
I really like your explanation of how Spanish delineates between the two states. I had BPD and every emotion felt like it was going to last forever. I did a lot of dialectical behavioral therapy and I overcame it but I still remember the agony of not believing that I was seeing what was happening.
Congratulations Dana you hit on something here with this observation through your lived experiences and listening to others. There were so many places here I am like, that is a good quote to restack with this story/discussion. I hope others pick up on them and send them forward too but even more importantly I hope the people that read this say, yeah I see that I am not broken I am noticing some patterns here and I should pay attention not only for me in order to counter the internal narrative but to halt the commitment bomb. Anchors away my dear readers.
Great essay Dana. I recognize a lot of this in my dating life. That was years ago now but the dynamics were the same. I couldn't explain it then but I can recognize it now. It's too bad our timelines don't match because I sure could have used your clear thinking analysis back then. I know it will be helpful for women now who need the advice. Love you!! ❤️
the ser versus estar distinction is the sharpest reframe i have read on attachment in a long time. the difference between anxiety as identity and anxiety as response to a specific situation changes everything about how women process their own reactions. because the current attachment discourse has created a trap - women feel anxiety around avoidant men and then pathologize themselves for having the correct response to inconsistency. the mechanism is almost gaslighting at a cultural level. the person creating the instability gets diagnosed as a type while the person reacting to it gets told to regulate better. commitbombing is the perfect word for this because it captures the performance element - the early flood of attention that mimics commitment without any of the structural follow-through. what makes this especially cruel is your point about secure women feeling it hardest. the healthier your baseline the more disorienting the contradiction - because your own system keeps telling you something is wrong and the entire culture keeps telling you the problem is you.
Dana! So intuitively accurate. Thank you not only for your writing but Reading Out Loud!
Thanks so much, JBee!
that was amazing and very lived. thank you
Thanks so much, tlb! “Very lived” is a beautiful compliment.
Well spoken Dana, sure opens up my mind as to how/if I’ve fit that place within my past married life, and considering I don’t know what side of the gender fence I might belong on, it’s just another point of self-discussion/learning… lots of learning to do in my remaining time here on this seemingly darkening marble… appreciate the presence you are here on SS, wish I could contribute, maybe when I get myself together 🙄
Thanks so much Rick. And you are contributing—you’re reading and commenting on my work, and thanks amazing. I so appreciate it. If you’d be willing to restack it with a comment, that super helps get the word out. Thank you! 💜
Avoidant men create the illusion of their value through scarcity.
Attention is a commodity. If it does not get a return, one should not continue paying it out.
You are not anxiously attached. You have learned to detect instability. When someone says one thing and does another, your nervous system is doing exactly what it should: registering that the ground keeps shifting. Inconsistency trains vigilance. That is not pathology. That is pattern recognition working as it should. Women are expected (TRAINED‽‽) to ignore these patterns.
The commitbomb hands you certainty before it has been earned. When it collapses, of course you feel destabilized. You were given something that looked like solid ground, then it moved.
Your discomfort is information. It means the signal keeps changing. His behavior
has high variance. You are simply noticing what is actually happening, and calling it what it is - shaky as fuck.
Estar, not ser. The situation is unstable. You are not.
“I also know what I bring to the table. I’m funny and smart and emotionally present, and I will make your life genuinely better and more interesting. So when I meet a man I’m excited about and he seems to recognize all of that quickly, I’m not surprised.
I think: of course he does.
The problem isn’t that I lead with my whole self. The problem is that certain men have learned to mimic that energy without having it — to perform the certainty, the readiness, the all-in-ness — because women like me respond to it.
That’s not naivety. That’s the cost of being someone who doesn’t hedge, who doesn’t play it cool, who believes love should announce itself.”
All of this. ❤️
Very clearly expressed and relatable!
Thanks so much!
Loved it
I'm so glad!
This is so relatable, Dana! I found myself lingering on a few lines longer than expected.
I write in a similar space and I’ve recently published my first blog post. I would appreciate your perspective on it. Incase you’d be open to taking a look, here’s the link: https://ishasavla.substack.com/p/conceptual-interest?r=86dqrc&utm_medium=ios
I really like your explanation of how Spanish delineates between the two states. I had BPD and every emotion felt like it was going to last forever. I did a lot of dialectical behavioral therapy and I overcame it but I still remember the agony of not believing that I was seeing what was happening.
Love it. Will share with my therapist sister.
Amazing! Let me know what she thinks. 💜
I will. We often talk about attachment styles.
Congratulations Dana you hit on something here with this observation through your lived experiences and listening to others. There were so many places here I am like, that is a good quote to restack with this story/discussion. I hope others pick up on them and send them forward too but even more importantly I hope the people that read this say, yeah I see that I am not broken I am noticing some patterns here and I should pay attention not only for me in order to counter the internal narrative but to halt the commitment bomb. Anchors away my dear readers.
Great essay Dana. I recognize a lot of this in my dating life. That was years ago now but the dynamics were the same. I couldn't explain it then but I can recognize it now. It's too bad our timelines don't match because I sure could have used your clear thinking analysis back then. I know it will be helpful for women now who need the advice. Love you!! ❤️